Today we’d like to introduce you to Christiana “Krysalis” Pederson.
Christiana, we appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us today. Where does your story begin?
After what’s felt like an entire lifetimes worth of mental turmoil, psych ward stays, drunken nights & drugged days, an impending sense of doom & hopelessness paired with a dark & nonexistent future, I found myself stuck & tangled within the muddy waters of failing relationships, a complete lack of any sense of self, belonging, or larger understanding of anything that had taken place in my life yet; absolutely no direction, no purpose, just confusion & darkness, and I was nowhere to be found. Even though I appeared to be there, my soul very essence had up and drifted off so long ago that I was more like a ghost, a lifeless yet breathing carcass with little remnants of the person I was meant to be… but how does a young one end themselves up in a situation like this?
Growing up I had always felt & known that there was something much larger, much more important going on, but after having attended strict catholic school from K-12th grade I had learned very early on to despise most any and all religion, mostly as a result of how I was treated by the folks in charge & the many harsh punishments I went through starting by the tender & sweet age of around 4 years old.
After having been sent away to the principles office for a bookful of reasons, some including (but not limited to): writing on the brick walls by the playground in chalk, the ones that already had plenty of chalk written over them; using a different water fountain than the one I was told to use because it had a shorter line & I was thirsty; scratching little pictures into an already very chipped & mutilated cafeteria door; pretending to catapult pretend doo-doo with mulch from the playground; getting accused of biting other little girls arm because I didn’t want her to use my pencil sharpener for whatever reason (to be fair, I did give her arm a little squeeze)… but this was just the beginning of my troublesome & wild child escapades.
After getting punished in a way that felt both horrifying & as if I had no route of repentance, it had left little me feeling destined for a future built upon the idea that I was the troubled child, one of the bad eggs that needed to be put in their place. And I felt this way by the very same hands of the people who were preaching to me day in and day out about God, saints, & sinners. With little other explanation about the occurrences that went on with me, little child me was left to feel as if I was completely separate from the other “good” children as if I wasn’t worthy… I believed that God wouldn’t accept me unless I learned how to be better. (what had happened to the forgiveness part?).
I felt hated by any and all signs of God, goodness, or light, so I returned it with a small middle finger hidden from underneath my private school uniforms cardigan. They had me fooled too; I completely believed that I was the troublesome no-good kid, and little did I know at the time that this identity was set & stone to follow me into my young adult existence.
It wasn’t up until recently in my life that I’ve been able to realize that I was simply being a kid! I had internalized so much of what happened to me as a young child that by the time I got older I had learned that I was indeed the bad egg, and therefore continued to be & become that bad egg all into my teen years. It was all I knew, it was my only identity.
Because of all of this, I had begun to despise myself very early on. It went a lot like, I would do something or another that either got me in some kind of trouble, made somebody upset or angry (particularly the older folks), went misunderstood, or caused some argument, but I couldn’t ever understand why I did the things I did or how to stop and it seemed I was constantly getting the confirmation that I was indeed the issue, and unless I did a complete 360 change I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) be accepted.
(inflows the self-hatred). This cycle continued long into my teens until I began running into walls too big & too dark and began turning to artificial highs & drugged lows, disassociation, and self-soothing delusions in my attempts to ease the guilt, shame, & overall hopelessness I had felt for myself. The worst of my mental health issues began more prominently around the ages of 13 and 14 when I started receiving psychiatric help. If I could remember the number of pills & pill combinations I went through over the course of those 4 years I would tell you, but the list seemed infinite & ever-evolving to zoned out & chronically depressed teenage me. Mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anti anxiety’s, as well as stimulants clouded my still fragile and growing mind.
After many nerve-wracking therapy visits constantly sprawling with the theme of “I have no idea why I am this sad” paired with an unforgiving daily pill dosage, I ended up in the psych ward a mere 3 times over the span of about 2 years. At this point in my existence, I had absolutely no wanting to be here or anywhere and lived through a sense of pure apathy. That was about it, too. Other than smoking cigarettes, listening to Pink Floyd, and posting an occasional cover on my Youtube, I couldn’t find any source of purpose, motivation, light, or longing. ‘
At this point the game was set in stone: it was being confirmed to me almost daily that I was a problem, that something was wrong with me that needed to be corrected. Little did I know at this point just how much my childhood had affected me, I always thought what I went through was more like a fun party story. But somehow those funny stories ended up creating & manifesting a life for me that I had never planned for, a destiny somehow pre-laid out for me to follow along in. I was living out the life of a sad, desolate, messed up kid of me.
As the story carried on into high school I was led to out-of-school suspensions, drug tests, detentions, partying, & eventually a juvenile arrest with a friend at a local mall for some chocolate & stash jar shoplifting. You can’t stay young forever though, especially in the eyes of our government. By the age of 18, I had fallen straight in a line down the road that I had been paving for myself for years upon years and ended up with a year’s worth of probation, thousands of dollars to pay, countless court visits, probation officer visits, horrifying drug tests with little room to mess up, lawyer visits, multiple police encounters, and finally having to book myself into the local jail while having to spend all of my ex-boyfriends and I’s savings in order to bail ourselves out, with the help of a couple of pals from the pizza shop we were working at.
Would you have guessed that after all this one would still feel compelled into even more drug use, alcohol abuse, arguments, losses, & that ever lingering and growing sense of helplessness with no future to be a part of whatsoever? The problem was I was still stuck on a path that had been ever-expanding since I was just a wee one, and I had no knowledge of this whatsoever.
You’d think that one would begin to wonder how they could end themselves up in such a sticky situation. The problem was that it was going to take A LOT more than just a simple realization to unpack & undo everything that I had been through as a human being up until that moment. (Thankfully, I was only about 19 years old or so, if I’d been much older the difficulty would’ve only continued to increase)
It was sometime in the middle but towards the end of all this harsh mumbo jumbo that I had stumbled upon a seemingly small dosage of what some call the magic mushrooms, commonly known as psilocybin. Do you remember the bigger picture that I had mentioned earlier, the one that I knew existed but had absolutely no direction of seeking towards? During this small dosage of a trip that I took, I had experienced something that I hadn’t been able to experience ever, it seems.
It felt as if I was brought back to a feeling that I had once experienced as a child but that was ripped away from me ever so quickly that I had no idea of its existence; as if I was brought right back to what it felt like to be that pure, innocent, & free child that I was naturally born as but that had gotten torn down day after day from punishment & shame. I felt for the first time in years a feeling of contentedness in the right here right now moment, a return back to a simpler time in my life.
This was what it had felt like to be that wild & free-spirited child I once was but got ripped away from as a result of being punished for expressing that very same essence of myself. It was in the moments after my trip that I had begun (what I had little knowledge of at the time) my actual journey; my soul’s path, the quest for truth, knowledge, insight, clarity, & peace.
Some might call it the spiritual journey, a quest into the unknown; learning how to unlearn/decondition mysel of all the lies and misconceptions I was led into believing about myself and the surrounding world… an awakening of sorts. Suddenly for the first time in my existence, it felt as if I had some kind of a re-do-over, an actual second chance. At the time, I was still pretty unknown as to what I had gone through as a kid & how much it had affected me. But this feeling of light, contentedness, and acceptance lingered for many days following that night… until eventually my same old habits, ways of viewing myself & the world went back to their original states of negativity, misunderstanding, piles of self-hatred, and that thick sense of apathy.
The truth was that I knew absolutely nothing about myself. How can someone go 20 years of their life and not know anything about themselves, their purpose, even their interests? I had little clue as to how to be the actual me that I longed to be. But the main difference now was that I was aware, I had found the tiniest tinge of motivation that I needed to drag myself out from the depths I had caught myself in. Inflows the next phase. Some might call it soul searching or the path of true healing; an inner dive digging deep within to parts of me that were still then completely unknown yet to my conscious experience.
I had no knowledge of what I was getting myself into, all I knew is that I had to begin doing something different, my patterns from the past were no longer serving the me I was seeking to become. The trip I experienced had reminded me of something that I knew I had lost long ago, but longed so dearly to have back in my life…and now begins the quest towards the light.
Words can make it sound easy. What has occurred post-trip has been some of the most earth-shattering & groundbreaking moments of my existence so far. This particular journey is not a short or easy one by any means, but one that lasts an entire lifetime; a path of seeking for the deeper purpose, to experience anything shy of real, genuine truth.
The past few years have been jam-packed full of realizing, remembering, feeling, truths being brought back, things that I had longed to toss aside and forget years ago due to the sheer amount of mental pain it had caused me. Thankfully it doesn’t (and didn’t) occur all at once, but over the time span of a few years to follow and ongoing. Remembering & realizing & feeling. I could no longer push away the ways I was made out to feel as a result of what had happened to me in my growing years; in came the waves of fiery rage, oceans full of uncontrollable sobbing fits, isolation, mountains of journals, introspection, wondering & wandering and more disassociation to follow.
Much more silent & lonesome nights. Hours spent in nature and a burning desire to get back to what felt right & good, back to what it seems I came here to feel & experience. Not any of this terrifying and unforgiving wrath that I had somehow got sucked into and shot out of. Although I felt beaten, forgotten, dismissed, and left for dead, I knew there was a light, somewhere there was a glimmer of hope, I saw it, I felt, I was it.
And that is what I have been chasing ever since. And this time not in an unhealthy, mislead or superficial way. But in an honest, guided & genuine way, nothing that I had ever experienced before, especially not with me and myself. I simply never cared enough to bother, I couldn’t even see the point in trying to get better.
After some of the harshest parts of my healing journey have come some more mild and user-friendly experiences. Lots of dancing, crying & laughing with myself all at once. It’s as if I’ve finally got a friend, and it’s me! Tree hugging, bird watching, grass sitting & sunbathing. Not the mention the amounts of self-forgiveness, learning to love who I am no matter the case, and gaining a clearer image of who I actually am.
Art, introspection, healthier habits, and a changed & stronger mindset, one consisting of hope for the future, faith in myself, humanity, & the bigger picture, love for my fellow earthly creatures, a feeling of oneness, connectedness, of being a working part of a massive and beautiful whole. A longing to remain here, a sense of being at home no matter where I am on this planet. As long as I am an animal on this giant breathing globe, I am home. And home is where I long to remain for the rest of my days, in the right here, right now.
Honestly, I’ve never felt safe to tell my story, or as if it was worth sharing much. The sequence of events can occur and vanish in what seems to be the blink of an eye, like a fleeting thought passing behind the screens in my mind. I’ve had to slow down gravely, so much so because of my very physical mind & body.
With my most recent discoveries of being a late & undiagnosed autistic combined with a mystery physical issue that’s caused me a hip labral tear, I’ve been practically forced to chill out, to take life slower than originally intended. Although it hasn’t been easy, I don’t think I could thank my human body enough! It’s been one of my main & huge motivators for getting myself to a better, lighter, & brighter place. I don’t enjoy pain much! Physical or mental. I’d much rather do what I must regardless of how “boring” or “lame” I originally thought it was.
During all of this & my life endeavors, writing & music, in particular, are part of the reasons why I believe I am still alive, breathing, & well. I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for the lyrics of legends like Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, each singular member of The Beatles, the Grateful Dead, Queen, Green Day, Jonathan Richman, & Johnny Cash; for grooves illustrated & directed by those like Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Iggy Pop, the Rolling Stones & the Velvet Underground.
Being able to recognize that there were others out there somewhere who knew exactly how I felt & had even been through something similar as I, and who had managed to break out through to become some of the most highly esteemed artists still today… that although I was seemingly alone in my immediate physical reality, there are people somewhere out there who do get it, who do understand me, and who won’t judge me or punish me for just simply being me.
Although I might not have been able to consciously recognize this back then, music was my natural medicine, my “pusher”, my urge to carry on no matter, because it showed me there was something out there for me somewhere, maybe I just had to find it, go searching for it. I had never realized back then just how much music was actually saving me. I can say confidently now that it was and still is my main motivator, my purpose to carry onwards. But even more than the music itself, it is the message that is being portrayed & communicated through these songs.
Deeply held within so many of those tunes is a strive for a deeper truth, a deeper meaning, a bigger picture image that isn’t talked about much in our everyday society. Turns out, I had been chasing this deeper & larger purpose all along, it was just waiting for me to catch on (again)! Somehow (and ever so thankfully), this journey for something more has shown up to my doorstep once again, although I am not sure it has ever left.
(I must note that in no way am I advocating for the use of illegal substances. This is simply how I and my story has gone. No one experience will ever be similar to another’s, and it is highly advised to approach these things in a safe, knowledgeable, and informed way.)
We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
It hasn’t been easy, but I don’t believe it is supposed to be. The outcomes wouldn’t be worth it if the road to get there wasn’t a rugged journey in itself. We each have our own personal struggles we are dealing with and they all differ, but I believe nobody would be handed an issue that they don’t have the strength or ability to solve.
Mental health has been my biggest and most difficult to understand obstacle; a battle of confusion, depression, anxiety, false ideas, and misleading assumptions. Thankfully the road to the truth was almost obvious to me after a certain point, it was hard to see myself as a troubled child after being able to understand why it was that I had felt that way in the first place, and for such seemingly small matters than how they originally felt and seemed to younger me, it made sense as to how I became the person I was.
I had absolutely no know-how of how to follow my passions up until very recently in my life, the self-hatred I had towards myself took over every aspect of my life, especially including that which involved my own art & music. I recorded and even published a few original songs & Youtube covers from this time period. I knew it was all I felt like pursuing in comparison to every other option laid out in front of me, but I had no motivation to actually pursue it, I couldn’t see it ever being a reality.
I’ve always used it as a means of releasing my very big and booming feelings out into the world rather than keeping them locked & tucked away to fester and grow, but when I was younger I don’t think I recognized this much or even understood how it worked, how to utilize it properly. I just felt like I wasn’t good enough, as if I was supposed to live up to other artists who had already had years of practice and knowledge, and considering the fact that the schools I attended were solely focused on sports, academics, & college prep much more so than the arts, made it difficult to pursue in my very real life.
I remember even auditioning for the chamber choir, the highest level you could reach in my high school’s choir program, but failed the audition and got placed in the lower tier. So much just aided into the already sinking self-esteem that I had lost complete interest altogether. And from what I was getting told, I couldn’t make it by with just my music alone and felt forced into pursuing a more “real” career path, which can really dim somebody’s motivation, passion, and light. Money has definitely been a big struggle with pursuing, especially starting out, in this line of work. That is so much of the reason why I haven’t been able to go after it directly, but now that I am older and have a bit more control over my life, it is has been easier.
But if I didn’t have my music, I didn’t have anything. The life was seeped out of me & nowhere to be found by the time I had given up on my dreams. But the music has brought me right back to it, it’s returned my life’s essence to me and continues to every day. I am still in the process of learning to ease up on myself, give myself the time & space I need in order to grow & evolve properly, especially in terms of my music.
It is easy to feel bombarded and overwhelmed by the already large & growing number of wonderful & talented artists that there are, but we each have a different voice for a reason. Although similar in nature, we each hold a specific perspective that is meant to be shined and shown.
Thanks for sharing that. So, maybe next you can tell us a bit more about your work?
I might be small, but my hopes are to change and shift the world with my words, tunes, & vocal cords. I believe that music has the power to heal & open again once closed hearts, and I’ve got quite a heavy message to share! I am yet to officially release some of my newest jingles, although you can catch glimpses of them across the digital webserver on my Youtube and TikTok.
My current plan is to release (very soon!) a single EP with 2 of my favorites so far, called “Simply Searching” and “Us”. Truth is, I’ve got a whole album yet to record! (& what might already be the start of a second album.) I’ve had struggles in the past with deciding on a genre, I’ve always hated having to make one solid decision. But I think I would consider my tunes to be of the singer-songwriter arena, sprinkled in with bits of folk-punk, the older type of country music, and maybe even a few inklings of indie and pop. My guitalele is my best friend at this moment in time, although I would love to experiment; I am constantly evolving and running into new & exciting ideas! And I am quite excited to release into the wild my newest findings & grooves, I do believe this is some of my best work as of this moment in my existence!
My hopes are to spread a different message than the one we have been fed upon from society. I have visions of playing my songs for large crowds and us all crying together. In a healing way, in a connecting way, in a way that makes everybody feel welcomed, accepted, seen & heard. I never want to make it seem as if I am any different than the humans who decide to listen & feel to my music, it is so easy to get caught up in one’s image or popularity but all it does is stray from the point. I cry myself when I listen to and play the songs I have written, they are truly a healing process for me as much as they are for others. What I want is to create a feeling of connectedness, of belonging; no matter who you are, we are human overall.
I believe we all are meant to seek out & discover our deeper purpose & understanding of each of our own personal human existences here on this big & magnificent planet. We are each our own unique slice of the whole of life here, every single one of us has something different to share with & help the world to expand & evolve, to help continue into the progression of humanity. We are taught by our society very early on that we are not important and that our actions and thoughts don’t matter much, but that is so far from the truth.
We each have a specific voice and story for a reason and it would be a shame for our light and gifts to go to waste just because we weren’t taught how to utilize them correctly. We are each much more unique than we might recognize off the bat. I am here to help open the eyes, hearts, ears, and minds of many. We are capable of great things, both you & I, we & us.
I would love to be able to open the doors into doing even more in the future, I’ve got a lot of big ideas! I am a writer, a deep thinker, a dreamer, a visionary, a poet, & a musician all blended into one. I believe the more I pursue my passions is the more these doors will begin opening up.
What does success mean to you?
I believe success is a subjective experience; have YOU achieved the goals that YOU have laid out for yourself? It is too easy to get caught up in society’s views of success, but I believe it is nothing more than accomplishing what one longs to accomplish. It never has to be big. Did YOU enjoy the experience? Did you learn something you didn’t previously recognize? Did you reach the end goal you wished to?
It’s not necessarily about the amount of people you reach, but rather the impact you’ve made on the people that you did reach, digging into the deeper picture rather than remaining just on the surface. Even one simple smile can make all the difference; we each create ripples, that then ripple out towards others, that then ripple out even further. What might seem like a “small” success could create a much larger impact than you know!
Contact Info:
- Email: quietearthcreature@gmail.com
- Website: https://thecatalystcomesalive.wordpress.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ofacatalysticnature/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ofacatalysticnature
- Twitter: https://www.tiktok.com/@acatalysticcreature?lang=en
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFC4F9e9vBW6DJQCDnisVGw
- SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/ofacatalysticnature
- Other: https://thecatalyst.bandcamp.com/
