Today we’d like to introduce you to Joshua Inman.
Hi Joshua, can you start by introducing yourself? We’d love to learn more about how you got to where you are today?
I recently published a book on Amazon called, “Identity Lost and Found.”
I was born in 1976. I grew up in a Christian home, outside of Seattle as a gender confused boy. I was really close to my mother but not so much with my father. While he was loving, he was emotionally absent and so we never formed a strong bond. From an early age,
My mom said that from age 3 or 4, I wanted to dress up as a girl. My mom allowed it for a time believing that kids are curious about clothes of the opposite sex but she became concerned when I didn’t growing out of. My parents no longer allowed me to dress up in dresses, so I did it in secret or used the clothes of a Bible character as it was the closest to a dress I could get a way with.
My mom tried to homeschool my siblings and I but quickly realized it was too much plus keeping the home going so we were put into public school. I entered Elementary school in 3rd grade. Because I was so effeminate, a lot of the kids called me a girl and wouldn’t believe me when I said I was a boy. I played with the girls because they were more accepting than the boys. I even took some of the bullies to the restroom and exposed myself to prove to them but they didn’t care. They just wanted a target.
I grew up in a Vineyard Church which was more charismatic. I could feel the presence of the Lord from an early age and never had to question if He was real. I accepted the Lord in the late 80’s and was baptized the same year. My mom got me into a mission program called, KIng’s Kids through Youth With A Mission (YWAM) and I traveled to Spain and the Philippines on summer mission trips with them in the early 1990’s. I never really fit in anywhere. I felt like a misfit.
Towards the end of Elementary school, my dad, left our family abruptly and moved in with a women he had befriended. My parents later divorced and he married his girlfriend. She lived over near Seattle so they would come get my siblings and I during our weekend visits. There were times, he just didn’t show up. Life at their house was difficult. My step-mom could fly into a rage at the drop of a hat and I found myself always walking on egg shells. A couple of years after the divorce, Dad and my step-mom moved to Colorado to be closer to her parents.
If I thought Elementary School was bad, it was nothing compared to the teasing I endured in Jr. High. The PE locker room was where the worst bullying took place. I was called all the names like sissy, faggot, and queer. I’d gravitate towards the kinder kids but most people weren’t entirely safe as they’d eventually pick on me from time to time with the others. I felt exposed and unprotected. One kid even spit in my clothes as I was showering. I was whimp and had no fight in me. Kids threatened to beat me up regularly but thankfully, God protected me and it never happened all through there were some close calls.
It was in Jr. High that my same sex attractions started to emerge. I found myself attracted to the hot guys in the locker room. I didn’t know what to do about these feelings. Growing up in the church, I knew what the Bible said about homosexuality. I didn’t talk to my mom even thought she had an open policy that we could talk to her about anything. This was too shameful and scary. I stuffed these feelings hoping they’d just go away but they didn’t. Youth group wasn’t talking about sex and there was no one I could turn to.
In between Jr. High and High school, my mom married a man she had met through King’s Kids. He was a lot like my step-mom. He could also fly into a rage over very little and I found myself walking on egg shells. All of a sudden, the rules changed and my mom’s loyalties were divided. My house had always been my safe place and now it wasn’t. I spent hours in my room listening to music or reading. Trying to stay out of the way of my step father. Just like my step mom, he was a broken man and I didn’t understand his past or his insecurities. He could’ve been a man that taught me that not all men are unsafe but unfortunately that didn’t happen. It reinforced the lie that I couldn’t trust men.
High School was a breath of fresh air and it seemed most of the bullies either grew up or didn’t care anymore so I felt free for the most part. There was still a dedicated group but it was not like Jr. High. I didn’t know who I was. I felt lost with no answers in sight.
Following high school and with some encouragement from friends I made in the Philippines in my 1993 King’s Kids mission trip to the Philippines, I moved to the Philippines to do a Discipleship Training School (DTS) through YWAM located in the mountain region of Luzon Philippines in the city of Baguio. It was a 6 month training. 3 months are a lecture classroom phase and 3 months were an outreach portion. It was during that school, I was able to befriend a young man that I shared my secret with. He wasn’t concerned about it and we became good friends.
My outreach was to Aparri Cagayan Valley on the northern coast of the Philippines. During our outreach, we boarded boats and went to Camiguin Island, just off the northern coast. Half way through the trip the sea turned violent and I thought we’d die. We were in small outrigger motorized boats in shark infested waters. Our 4 hour trip turned into 8 hours and we finally made it to the island. This island had no electricity and was not a tourist spot with hotels. We stayed in the house of a local and did our mission work. I could not wait to get off the island and never come back. I was terrified to get on that ocean again. At the end of the week, we headed back to Aparri and by the time I got back God had changed my heart and I felt called to that Island.
Following my DTS graduation, I moved up to Aparri and joined the base staff there. At the time there was no staff reaching out the island and so I became the person assigned to the island but I was struggling with my sexuality and had no idea what I was doing. I just loved on the people and did life with them, sharing the gospel as I had the opportunity. I eventually started a Bible Study and another person jointed the ministry and we planted a church that is still around today. It is the only Protestant church on the island.
Struggling with my sexuality and not seeing no light at the end of the tunnel I tried to stuff my attractions and feelings and serve the Lord the best I could. I had a rich fantasy life and secretly hoped to have a sexual encounter with some of the hot guys in the Island or Aparri but God protected me from myself for the most part. I did have a couple of sexual encouragers with a guy I met in 1993 during my mission trip. He lived in Manila so I rarely saw. I didn’t know how to serve God with these feelings. I had no answers. I tried to talk to my base leader but he had no answers.
In late 2000 I found a magazine that shared the stories of a couple who came out of the gay lifestyle and it advertised an organization called Exodus an international ex-gay ministry that represented support groups and live in programs for those with unwanted same sex attractions.. I had no idea these ministries existed. I signed up for their newsletters and it scared me how much I could relate to the stories. It was through reading these stories that I finally accepted this is my struggle. God showed me He wanted me to go to a live in program so after nearly 5 years in the Philippines, I moved to California and entered a residential program.
Upon arriving at the program, I figured if I followed things correctly, I’d come out straight and my same sex struggles would be a thing of the past but I quickly realized that is not how it works. There was no magic pill or formula. Frank Worthen, founder of the program and one of the founders of Exodus, beloved that if we have a personal relationship with Jesus, then out of that, everything else would flow.
The program was basic discipleship and very similar to my YWAM DTS. Many who came felt lied to and left angry when they discovered there wasn’t an effortless or simple “fix” for their problems but I was determined to follow the Lord no matter the outcome and I knew He spoke to me about this program. He worked in my life but it wasn’t the deep resolving healing, I was hoping for. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was young and naive and was bound up in a lot of lies and misconceptions. Some that made surrendering completely to the Lord difficult.
I was in the program for about 2 years and 3 months when I left. I moved up to Sacramento and started working for mortgage company while traveling with Christian Singer Lisa Daggs as her merchandise seller. I had listened to Lisa in high school and we had written each other off and on over the years. She came out of a drug background and her music about recovery always encouraged me. She even did a concert for the program.
Moving to Sacramento was my first time on my own and being a late bloomer, I didn’t think I had what it took. I was scared to be on my own and it took some getting used to. For the first time, I had a computer and no accountability and I got lost in porn. That started me on almost 20 year porn addiction. I continued to travel with Lisa and kept my dirty little secret. I had gay friends at work that encouraged me to put myself out there and find a man but the fear of rejection kept me from doing that.
I evenly got hired with Women of Faith as a Merchandise seller and also traveled with Sheila Walsh. In 2008, I moved to Nashville TN working for some of the biggest names in Christian and Country music. Hardly going to church because of my travel schedule.
In 2016 I got hooked up with a Vineyard church plant in Nashville and God started to really work on me. I moved in with a friend who was a former pastor and he began to disciple me. I stared to work on my porn habit and take a deeper look at myself. It was difficult as I was so addicted but God began to work in me.
I had always wanted to write a book about my story but never thought I would get around to it especially with my touring and part time job. In the fall of 2019, I felt this sense of urgency to write my book. So in January 2020 I started. In mid 2020, I started working with Andy Landis, a writing coach, and for the next 4 years she not only taught me how to write, but acted as a counselor, helping me processes and work through my past. What I didn’t understand was I was so shut down from the pain in my past. Through the writing processes, I got back in touch with myself and my feelings. God began to unravel the lies and misconceptions I had about Him and myself. He restored my relationship with my father and brought deep inner healing to many of my wounds that I didn’t even realize was still there. He showed me that my whole life I was trying to answer the question, “Do I Matter?” He showed me that not only did I matter to Him but my pain mattered. He broke the stronghold that sexual addiction had on me and this year I celebrated 4 years porn free. I brought a level of freedom that I never thought possible this side of heaven.
He set me up though. I don’t know how I could’ve dealt with my past any other way but to write about it. I thought I’d dealt with it all but little did I know, I was fooling myself. He is still working in me. Bringing revelation of things I need to face and deal with. Some of these processes hurt but my prayer is don’t let me settle, I want to bravely face all that I need to.
I am still same sex attracted but my attractions no longer control me. I have to daily submit my attractions and temptations to Him. I hope one day the Lord will take those away but my commitment to follow and serve Him is not based on that. He has won my heart and I know I am His son and that He loves me. It can get frustrated with myself when I look a little too long at someone or think a sexual thought but I have to remind myself that I am human and one day I will be free from this curse of sin but for now I can run to my heavenly father who washes me clean and covers me with His grace.
I am thankful to get my book out and have been overwhelmed by the feedback I have received not only from those who struggle as I do but also those who have sought to understand.
We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
Some of what you are looking for is probably in the last question.
In terms of the book, it took over 5 years from when I started writing till I published the book. I didn’t expect it to take that long and I’d often get impatient and frustrated with my writing coach because it was taking so long but I am so thankful I allowed her to push me. The work is so much better because we took the time to do it right.
As you know, we’re big fans of you and your work. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about what you do?
I guess you could call me a creative because I wrote a book. My full time job is working for ThriftSmart on Nolensville Road in south Nashville. I have been there for 15 years and have been their Book manager most of that time. It’s like having a small bookstore inside of a thrift store and I love my job. In my 15 years of touring in the music business, I would work at the store part time on the weeks I traveled and full time on non traveling weeks. Since 2020, I have been here full time. I gave up touring when I started to write the book.
This is my first book so I am not in full time ministry but I do try to encourage people when I can and try to post regularly on my blog and facebook. I belong to a number of recovery groups on facebook and I try to share insights from my journey to encourage others. I also attend Celebrate Recovery at Christ Church on Old Hickory in South Nashville. I’d have shared on some podcasts and was even on a documentary about people who had gender confusion in their childhood. The documentary is free at: https://www.genderidentity101.com.
Can you talk to us a bit about the role of luck?
I’m not quite sure how to answer this question. God has been good to me. Not sure if that is luck but I am thankful for all His blessings and the work He did in my life.
Pricing:
- $20
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.joshuadinman.com
- Instagram: https://Instagram.com/hermeyjdi
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/joshua.inman
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@joshuainman6281
